Reporting bullying behavior is always a catch 22 for the victim. I'll address the importance of reporting and alternative ways of notifying adults in charge in a future post. Today I'll continue with a skill that can be used along with the A.W.A.R.E. Plan if a child wants to attempt to curb the bullying without reporting it to a teacher.
Before I give information on this topic, please understand it is very important to emphasize to kids and their friends to immediately report severe bullying to a school staff member and parents. Examples of severe bullying are threats of physical violence or being embarrassed/humiliated in public (example: students on the bus start chanting something inappropriate and the victim is humiliated).
To deter less severe forms of bullying it is very important to be aware of what a bully wants and then not give it to him or her! Bullies want to see their mean words or actions BOTHER YOU. They want to see the scared, shocked or angered look on your face. Students who are not aware of how important body language is in telling others what we are feeling inside are good targets for bullies. So this strategy is about how to ignore a bully's mean words or actions. Yes, there are different ways to ignore these mean words and actions and the common way is to ignore by pretending you do not hear the bully speaking to you. So there are two types of ignoring and here they are:
"Total" Ignoring vs. "Selective Ignoring"
Totally ignoring someone is pretending you do not hear him while he is speaking to you. This strategy is common but never works. Why? The bully KNOWS the kid is purposely ignoring him because what he is saying or doing bothers him. So guess what? The bully is going to do it again and again and again – as long as the other child keeps pretending he cannot hear the bully! Try NEVER to totally ignore someone who is bullying or teasing you! (except when a kid is threatening to beat you up – if this is the case ignore his words and get to an adult immediately)
What can you do instead? You use what is called Selective Ignoring. Selective Ignoring is ignoring the bully's hurtful words but NOT ignoring the fact he is talking to you (or pretending you cannot hear him). It is important to always look at someone who is talking to you. It may be uncomfortable because mean things are being said, but make eye contact with the bully so he knows you have heard him.
While looking at the bully it is important to acknowledge that you heard what was said and that you don't like it. NEVER insult the bully back! Why? Because bullies are good at making insults and they will not let you have the last word by insulting them. The will see this as a challenge and make the insults worse to make sure you will not say anything back.
What can you say to a bully once you make eye contact? Here are some examples that are not insults and remember to stay calm and cool and speak in a normal tone of voice (not upset):
"Why are you talking to me? - You can stop now."
"Why are you asking me that? - You can stop now."
"You can stop saying that."
"Why would you think that would bother me?"
"Sorry but you are wasting your time."
"I never thought you could say such mean things."
"Why do you say things like that?"
"That was kind of funny at first but now it's not - please stop."
It is important NOT to get into a back and forth discussion with a bully and to keep it brief. Use one of the above suggestions or one of your own and after saying it THEN totally ignore the bully if he keeps talking to you.
This strategy sends the bully a CLEAR message that his words and actions DO NOT bother you (even if they really do but don"t ever let the bully know this!). REMEMBER: no name calling or put-downs because this may challenge the bully and increase the insults.
This strategy does not guarantee that the bully will stop. We hope that by not giving the bully the reaction he is looking for, he will soon do it less or stop completely because he may start to think "what's the point, this kid doesn't care what I say."
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