Staff Invested in Bullying Prevention is the Best Prevention Strategy.

Whether at a training or on Twitter I constantly remind school staff of their duty to protect the emotional well being of their students. It is extremely important to understand that as children grow older, so do their brains and they develop a keen awareness of their surroundings and who is or may be looking. So as kids mature more overt acts of bullying characteristic of younger ages transform to covert acts in an attempt not to get caught. School staff must be aware of this fact and look a little closer. If we start with the premise that no child wants to get in trouble by getting caught, we can train ourselves to take a closer look and intervene in a potential bullying situation before it becomes very damaging to the victim.

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Selective Ignoring When Dealing with Mean Kids and Bullies

Reporting bullying behavior is always a catch 22 for the victim. I'll address the importance of reporting and alternative ways of notifying adults in charge in a future post. Today I'll continue with a skill that can be used along with the A.W.A.R.E. Plan if a child wants to attempt to curb the bullying without reporting it to a teacher. 

Before I give information on this topic, please understand it is very important to emphasize to kids and their friends to immediately report severe bullying to a school staff member and parents. Examples of severe bullying are threats of physical violence or being embarrassed/humiliated in public (example: students on the bus start chanting something inappropriate and the victim is humiliated). 

To deter less severe forms of bullying it is very important to be aware of what a bully wants and then not give it to him or her! Bullies want to see their mean words or actions BOTHER YOU. They want to see the scared, shocked or angered look on your face. Students who are not aware of how important body language is in telling others what we are feeling inside are good targets for bullies. So this strategy is about how to ignore a bully's mean words or actions. Yes, there are different ways to ignore these mean words and actions and the common way is to ignore by pretending you do not hear the bully speaking to you. So there are two types of ignoring and here they are: 


"Total" Ignoring vs. "Selective Ignoring" 
Totally ignoring someone is pretending you do not hear him while he is speaking to you. This strategy is common but never works. Why? The bully KNOWS the kid is purposely ignoring him because what he is saying or doing bothers him. So guess what? The bully is going to do it again and again and again – as long as the other child keeps pretending he cannot hear the bully! Try NEVER to totally ignore someone who is bullying or teasing you! (except when a kid is threatening to beat you up – if this is the case ignore his words and get to an adult immediately)

What can you do instead? You use what is called Selective Ignoring. Selective Ignoring is ignoring the bully's hurtful words but NOT ignoring the fact he is talking to you (or pretending you cannot hear him). It is important to always look at someone who is talking to you. It may be uncomfortable because mean things are being said, but make eye contact with the bully so he knows you have heard him. 

While looking at the bully it is important to acknowledge that you heard what was said and that you don't like it. NEVER insult the bully back! Why? Because bullies are good at making insults and they will not let you have the last word by insulting them. The will see this as a challenge and make the insults worse to make sure you will not say anything back.

What can you say to a bully once you make eye contact? Here are some examples that are not insults and remember to stay calm and cool and speak in a normal tone of voice (not upset): 

"Why are you talking to me? - You can stop now." 
"Why are you asking me that? - You can stop now." 
"You can stop saying that." 
"Why would you think that would bother me?" 
"Sorry but you are wasting your time."
"I never thought you could say such mean things."
"Why do you say things like that?"
"That was kind of funny at first but now it's not - please stop." 


It is important NOT to get into a back and forth discussion with a bully and to keep it brief. Use one of the above suggestions or one of your own and after saying it THEN totally ignore the bully if he keeps talking to you. 

This strategy sends the bully a CLEAR message that his words and actions DO NOT bother you (even if they really do but don"t ever let the bully know this!). REMEMBER: no name calling or put-downs because this may challenge the bully and increase the insults. 

This strategy does not guarantee that the bully will stop. We hope that by not giving the bully the reaction he is looking for, he will soon do it less or stop completely because he may start to think "what's the point, this kid doesn't care what I say."

$25 for life - A gift from a "Good Man"

It’s a passion of mine to express to others the mostly unrecognized actions of good men because I believe it’s these actions that truly matter in life and compel us all to keep pressing on.  Good men lead by example. Good men push through the ups and downs of life without giving in or giving up, and resist taking an easier path that may negatively impact their families or tarnish their character. 

My father, Thomas F. Letson, Jr. was as good a man as they come. He died in 2010 at the age of 81 and like most good men, I learned his powerful lessons through constructive example. The following story is one that keeps me pressing forward in my own life and I share it with others whenever the opportunity presents itself. 

Born two weeks before the Stock Market crash in 1929, he came into this world at a time when everything was a struggle, and all a person had as he grew up was his family, his friends and his word.   Looking a man in the eye and offering your word while sealing it with a handshake was considered a tangible form of collateral in his day.   And you know what?  In this day of deteriorating moral conduct, with the daily news packed with the exploits of cheats and thieves, we could use more good men, more men like my father.  Let’s be him for a minute to provide an example. The year is 1968.  My father, a lifelong seaman, took out a sizable loan to purchase an 89' vessel to begin the business of delivering grain to companies such as Frank Purdue on the Chesapeake Bay. What happened to him during this time would put any man to the test. With very little notice, the Coast Guard performed a spot inspection of his vessel and it failed under their criteria which my father challenged. Despite his protests the inspection results were final and the consequences dire: the Coast Guard took ownership of the vessel and removed it from the waterway.  With it they took my father’s livelihood and left him with the desperation of having to provide for his five children with no income while at the same time facing the remaining balance on the loan for the vessel. This amount was over $20,000 in 1968. Think about it. His creditor, caring little of his predicament, expected each month’s payment in its original amount of hundreds of dollars, which my father was unable to pay.

So what’s a man with five children and no job to do in such a dire situation? Run out on his family?  Rob, cheat or steal? What would you do?  Let me tell you this good man from Sea Bright, NJ did.  He went to see his creditors face to face and told them he could only afford to pay them the amount of $25 per month on his outstanding loan. His proposal, initially taken as jest was flatly denied. At this denial, my father stood up, looked his creditors directly in the eyes and said the following:  “Listen to me. I have 5 children to provide for and one of them has special needs requiring special doctors which are very costly.  I cannot afford to pay you what you demand as it will put my children out in the street.  I will pay you $25 each month and I promise to you I will never miss it. You have my word.”   My father’s conviction persuaded the creditor to put his word to the test and they allowed for the reduction.  This good man was true to his word. My father paid that $25 per month, month after month, year after year, decade after decade until that loan was paid in full.  Upon the loan’s discharge, he received a special commendation from the Creditor, thanking him for being one of their most loyal and valued customers by never missing a single loan payment of $25 and for keeping his word. 

This story about my Father has inspired me to figuratively paid my $25 as promised in all areas of my life. Just as my father did I try not to miss a payment and live my life as a good man. It's people like my father that give me hope that the world can always be a better place regardless of how bad it may seem at any given time. If you have a story like this one tell it whenever possible to encourage others to live their lives in a similar fashion to make this world a better place!