NFL Players and Emotional Control

If you are a Giant fan you are most likely amazed by Odell Beckham, Jr's talent but very frustrated by his lack of discipline with his emotions. What does Mr. Beckham need to do? In the eyes of a football coach he really needs to start thinking like an offensive player and stop reacting like a defensive player. Simply put: Odell Beckham, Jr. thinks he can play wide receiver like he is middle linebacker. As a Defensive Coordinator on the high school level for 20+ years I can say this: he can't! To be successful at this game at any level, a player must adapt a mindset that is conducive to the side of the ball he is playing. Why? Simple. Defensive success depends on a player's quick reaction time to offensive advances as the play is unfolding; while offensive success depends on a player's mental discipline in controlling their emotions after the snap to insure the play is run as designed. In my self-help book, 4 Downs to Anger Control (Finish Line Press, 1999), this concept is described in the chapter "Thinking Offensively." This book uses the game of football as a metaphor to teach the reader easily remembered skills and new ways of approaching problems. By thinking offensively, the reader is encouraged to maintain mental discipline during stress and avoid the tendency to react spontaneously with reckless abandon to problem situations. This is a formula for emotional mastery but practice is the key:  whether it involves a football player on the field like Odell Beckham Jr., or you taking on all your daily stressors each and everyday. To help master this thinking skill the following exercise is easy to remember during emotional times:

DON'T R.E.A.C.T. REMINDER


Reduce

Emotions

And

Concentrate on

Thinking

Just as practice drills better prepare players for success during the game, the same holds true for practicing thinking skills. Make no mistake, players like Odell Beckham Jr. can benefit from using the Don't R.E.A.C.T. Reminder on and off the field AND so can you!

Click here to buy 4 Downs to Anger Control on Amazon.com

Put Quotes in Your Mental Toolbox

Favorite quotes are mini power tools for success and I guarantee all successful individuals carry around a mental bag full of them. Motivational, inspirational, contemplative and reflective, the quotes you keep in your arsenal for life's challenges are critical to maintain your focus and persistence. One of my favorites is from Lou Holtz, former Notre Dame Head Football Coach:  "Don't tell me how rocky the sea is, just bring the darn ship in." This direct, swift kick in the tail quote reminds me that regardless of how difficult life seems there is a job to be done and I need to get at it. You can always find an excuse not to do your best or to give up. This quote reminds me I have a choice and it motivates me to get moving if I want to be the best I can be despite obstacles. What's your motivating quote?

About Me

I'm presently the Student Assistance Coordinator at Middletown High School South in Middletown, NJ. I have worked in public schools in this capacity for the last 20 years. I am also a NJ Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC LCADC) with a private therapy practice in Morganville specializing in the treatment of substance abuse and anger management problems. My style is direct and motivational and is a result of my combined experiences as a therapist and high school football coach. I published the self-help book 4 Downs to Anger Control in 1999 which uses football as a metaphor to facilitate the teaching and retention of anger management skills to specialized populations. 4 Downs to Anger Control was the text selected by the Florida International University Football Team to use following the nationally televised fight with the University of Miami in 2006 as an educational tool. The book has also been purchased by NFL teams for player development programs and by the NJ Department of Corrections for inmate life skills education. My career focus has also been in the area of bullying prevention and intervention, and my website Bullystoppers.com has been operational since 2001. This site offers schools, students and parents a free reporting tool and plenty of advice and specialized skills for students. My football coaching experience has amassed 21 seasons as a Defensive Coordinator. My teams have been to 6 State Championship Games and we were fortunate to win 3 State Titles.

Drive on Your Problems in Life

Changing how you mentally approach an issue may be all you need to get started on a solution. In my therapy practice I often rely on my football coaching experience to motivate men who eat, drink and sleep the game. If you see life through a football face mask, then start living it that way and watch how things begin to fall into place! 

Not Sure if You Have a Problem? Your Life Hierarchy of Substance Use May Help

Sometimes actually looking at how your life is prioritized on a piece of paper or a white board can help you understand the severity of your substance use. For example, let's look at a general life hierarchy of an individual how does not have an issue with substances:

1. Family
2. Job
3. Friends
4. Health
6. Hobbies
7. Alcohol/Drug Use

The theory is that generally this list is set and it is rare that something lower on the list will trump something higher on the list. For example, this individual will generally not allow alcohol/drug use to interfere with family, job, friends, etc. The individual abusing substances, however, will find that alcohol/drug use begins to move up the list as it progresses and becomes more important in the individual's life.  For example, the following is the Life Hierarchy of an individual suffering from a severe addiction:

1. Job
2. Alcohol/Drug Use
3. Family
4. Friends

Individuals suffering from addiction typically have their job and addiction switch back and forth from first and second position on the list depending on how bad their addiction becomes at any given time in their life. The visual of the list helps individuals denying the severity of their addiction come to understand that their use comes before their family at all costs. This is a very emotional conclusion and ideally this exercise should be discussed in a therapeutic setting with a therapist trained in addiction and the associated fragile emotions that accompany it. It is vitally important to understand that the list does not lie. An honest evaluation of your life's hierarchy can be vital in raising your bottom and getting on the road to recovery before suffering further consequences due to your use. THINK about it.

The Wake Up Test

So you think you are serious about achieving your goal. You say you want it more than anything. Really? Well can you pass the wake up test? If your goal is not the first thing on your mind upon waking from sleep each morning then something is not right. Are you really serious? Can you be doing more? Think about it! 

Targeting Your Addict Voice

I teach all of my clients dealing with addiction how to separate their addict voice from their voice of reason. The addict voice comes from the part of the brain that controls the automatic functions of the body: breathing, hungar, sex drive. The pursuit of pleasure is automatic and requires harnessing by the voice of reason which comes from the part of the brain that does the intellectual thinking and reasoning. This is nicely explained in The Small Book by Jack Trimpey. Once trained to recognize the addict voice in pursuit of pleasure at all costs, it's more likely to be defeated by the intellect. Try it! Attack that voice that is trying to convince you to keep using even though your life sucks because of your addiction. Hammer that voice into submission. The choice is yours! 

What is Selective Ignoring When Dealing with a Bully?

Reporting bullying behavior is always a catch 22 for the victim. I'll address the importance of reporting and alternative ways of notifying adults in charge in a future post. Today I'll continue with a skill that can be used along with the A.W.A.R.E. Plan if a child wants to attempt to curb the bullying without reporting it to a teacher. 

Before I give information on this topic, please understand it is very important to emphasize to kids and their friends to immediately report severe bullying to a school staff member and parents. Examples of severe bullying are threats of physical violence or being embarrassed/humiliated in public (example: students on the bus start chanting something inappropriate and the victim is humiliated). 

To deter less severe forms of bullying it is very important to be aware of what a bully wants and then not give it to him or her! Bullies want to see their mean words or actions BOTHER YOU. They want to see the scared, shocked or angered look on your face. Students who are not aware of how important body language is in telling others what we are feeling inside are good targets for bullies. So this strategy is about how to ignore a bully's mean words or actions. Yes, there are different ways to ignore these mean words and actions and the common way is to ignore by pretending you do not hear the bully speaking to you. So there are two types of ignoring and here they are: 


"Total" Ignoring vs. "Selective Ignoring" 
Totally ignoring someone is pretending you do not hear him while he is speaking to you. This strategy is common but never works. Why? The bully KNOWS the kid is purposely ignoring him because what he is saying or doing bothers him. So guess what? The bully is going to do it again and again and again – as long as the other child keeps pretending he cannot hear the bully! Try NEVER to totally ignore someone who is bullying or teasing you! (except when a kid is threatening to beat you up – if this is the case ignore his words and get to an adult immediately)

What can you do instead? You use what is called Selective Ignoring. Selective Ignoring is ignoring the bully's hurtful words but NOT ignoring the fact he is talking to you (or pretending you cannot hear him). It is important to always look at someone who is talking to you. It may be uncomfortable because mean things are being said, but make eye contact with the bully so he knows you have heard him. 

While looking at the bully it is important to acknowledge that you heard what was said and that you don't like it. NEVER insult the bully back! Why? Because bullies are good at making insults and they will not let you have the last word by insulting them. The will see this as a challenge and make the insults worse to make sure you will not say anything back.

What can you say to a bully once you make eye contact? Here are some examples that are not insults and remember to stay calm and cool and speak in a normal tone of voice (not upset): 

"Why are you talking to me? - You can stop now." 
"Why are you asking me that? - You can stop now." 
"You can stop saying that." 
"Why would you think that would bother me?" 
"Sorry but you are wasting your time."
"I never thought you could say such mean things."
"Why do you say things like that?"
"That was kind of funny at first but now it's not - please stop." 


It is important NOT to get into a back and forth discussion with a bully and to keep it brief. Use one of the above suggestions or one of your own and after saying it THEN totally ignore the bully if he keeps talking to you. 

This strategy sends the bully a CLEAR message that his words and actions DO NOT bother you (even if they really do but don"t ever let the bully know this!). REMEMBER: no name calling or put-downs because this may challenge the bully and increase the insults. 

This strategy does not guarantee that the bully will stop. We hope that by not giving the bully the reaction he is looking for, he will soon do it less or stop completely because he may start to think "what's the point, this kid doesn't care what I say."

How to Investigate a Vague Report of Facebook Bullying at Your School

The following anonymous report of Facebook Bullying was reported yesterday on the Bullystoppers.com Website for Hogan Middle School. It was posted as it met all the criteria for a report to be posted on the site: School Name and Address:   Hogan Middle, Kansas City, MO 64132

USA State or Country:    Missouri

Date of Report: 11/29/15

Grade of student (who is bullying) NO NAMES: 6th or 7th

What is happening? (be specific!) NO NAMES:    She Is Being Humiliated All Over Facebook And People Are Saying They Are Going To Come To Her House And Fight Her.

Where and when it is happening? (be specific!):    On Facebook Since no names are allowed, you may wonder how school staff can proceed to investigate this report to:  1. Discover if there is truth to it; and 2. Intervene to stop the abuse. Here are my suggestions having done this dozens of times: 1. If school staff has access to Facebook, complete some searches on students in your school to review any public Facebook pages that may contain evidence of the abuse. 2. If school staff does not have access to or use a Facebook account to investigate such matters, staff should randomly select students whom they feel may want to provide information to staff to help stop the abuse of a peer. Such students exists at every school. Find them and always maintain their confidentiality. You just want the information, not their names. 3. If school staff is able to obtain credible evidence of the abuse and discover the identity of the victim, the victim should immediately be interviewed to collect facts regarding the abuse, assure effective and immediate staff intervention, and insure the student's safety. 4. If credible evidence exists, staff should interview the students responsible for the abuse, have them delete any abusive Facebook posts if applicable, and impose appropriate consequences and a firm warning for any thoughts of retribution. Parents should be called and informed. 5. If credible evidence does not exist but staff has reasonable suspicion regarding the identity of the abusers, these students should be interviewed individually and put on notice that if they are involved in the abuse it needs to stop as staff will be engaged in ongoing monitoring and surveillance. I should note that in NJ, school law permits schools to consequence students for bullying occurring over the internet 24-7. This may sound over the top to some, however, I have found that if staff invests the time (and it can be time consuming!) students begin to curb internet harassment.

A Different Way of Anonymous Bully Reporting

Bullystoppers.com is a free bully reporting service for students and schools. The concept was developed as a result of my dealing directly with children in middle school who are being bullied but who do not want to report it to their parents or adults in the school. There are several reasons why students are reluctant to report such problems: feeling inadequate in that they are not able to deal with the problem on their own; being seen by peers as a "rat" or "tattle-tail:; fearing the reporting will get the bully mad and the bullying will get worse; fearing being humiliated by being force to sit down and talk with the bully; fear their parents (especially their father for boys) will see them as weak or inadequate. 

Click on this sign to print a larger copy for your school.

The concept of reporting on bullystoppers.com is to provide the school with just enough information to start an investigation. Names are not permitted on the reports to deter kids from making false reports for any reason. Many times in school, believe it or not, staff only needs to know a LOCATION where the bullying is happening and just the mere increase in staff presence in that area may be enough to deter the bullying - and no even will know a report was posted. The reports that are approved for posting have been screened to meet appropriate criteria. I personally screen all reports prior to approving them for posting.

Bullystoppers.com will inform schools that a report has been posted if they register with a confirmed school email address. School staff can also can check the site daily for posts that may referencing their respective school.

The reports on Bullystoppers.com cannot be used by angry parents or students attempting to get back at the school for failing to do something they felt should have been done in any given situation. Any report accusing a school of negligence will be not be posted. Bullystoppers.com is meant to make a bridge between students experiencing problems and their school staff for help. It is meant to improve the situation, not make it worse.

Please feel free to email me with any quesitons you may have about Bullystoppers.com. Thanks!

Like Father....Like Son - You're Kids are ALWAYS watching!

I recently tweeted out this classic commercial from 1967 to emphasize to parents the powerful influence they have on their kids lives has never changed. Take a moment to view this classic:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmzDLzqQ-A0

The modeling effect parents have on their kids may be even more powerful in today's world of social media, bullying and marijuana legalization. Working in a High School as an Anti-Bullying Specialist in NJ, I have certainly witnessed parents modeling poor behavior and low and behold, their kids are following suit. Not only are they modeling the poor behavior of parents, they feel justified in their actions and empowered because Mom and Dad feel the same way. I recently dealt with a situation in which a female high school student was upset that the boy she like started to date a friend of hers. She was angry at her friend because she told her friend she like this boy prior to them dating. In anger she posted a tweet on her feed in which she called her ex-friend a "whore" and to not trust her. This tweet received over 100 likes and over 40 retweets from other students in the school. When I addressed this situation and had the tweet taken down and consequences imposed, the mother of the student who published the tweet was indifferent and supported her child's actions. The mother made it clear to me that she told her daughter of her support and added the former friend "deserved what she got because she purposely stole the boy my daughter liked first." Really? It is not difficult to understand why her daughter posted this terrible tweet despite of being exposed to multiple school education programs regarding the appropriate use of social media and consequences for bullying. You have a powerful effect on your kids. The world needs better people. Raise one!



The Poker Face: Emotional Control in the Fight Against Bullying

Most kids don't know that how they respond to being teased and bullied when it is actually happening is very important. It is natural for kids to show the embarrassment and anger on their faces. But it is important to try and control facial expressions because this is what bullies and mean kids want! They want to SEE it bother the victim! Once they see it bother the victim they will know it worked and are more likely to do it again and again to get the same payoff. So what to do?



This is how I describe the skill to kids:

Use the Poker Face! The term "poker face" came about from the card game poker. The term is used to describe how people in the poker game are supposed to make a bets with their money - they use a BLANK EXPRESSION on their faces when betting money (the poker face) so they don't let the other people in the game know if they have a good hand of cards or a bad hand of cards. See the following article for a good explanation of what we are talking about here:

 Psychological Habits of Successful Poker Players: Emotional Control

If someone has a happy face on they have a good hand of cards so the others in the game do not bet a lot of money because they don't want to lose it! If someone has an angry or sad face on they have a bad hand of cards so the others bet A LOT of money thinking they have a better one. Are you starting to get it? The secret to playing poker wisely is the "Poker Face." The secret to dealing with bullies and means kids wisely is the Poker Face!

How do you do it? Well by keeping an emotionless and expressionless face on while being teased and/or bullied sends the other kid the message that the teasing and/bullying "WILL NOT GET TO ME NO MATTER WHAT!"

This may prevent the bully or teaser from thinking the victim is a good target for bullying or teasing. This can work. Encourage kids to use it all the time even if they feel it does not help. For an example of a poker face click here; http://www.bullystoppers.com/Poker_Face.html

By Tom Letson

Tom Letson, MA LPC LCADC provides commentary on the issues of bullying, anger, substance abuse and more. Tom is a NJ Licensed Professional Counselor and Public School Anti-Bullying Specialist. He has spent 30 years working in schools, criminal justice and substance abuse settings. His private practice is located in Marlboro, NJ and he continues his 20+ years as a passionate high school football coach. 

What Happened at the University of Missouri?

The following is an excerpt of an AP article on the present mess at the University of Missouri which resulted in the resignation of President Wolfe:

COLUMBIA, Mo. (AP) — The president of the University of Missouri system and the head of its flagship campus resigned Monday with the football team and others on campus in open revolt over what they saw as indifference to racial tensions at the school. President Tim Wolfe, a former business executive with no previous experience in academic leadership, took "full responsibility for the frustration" students expressed and said their complaints were "clear" and "real." For months, black student groups had complained that Wolfe was unresponsive to racial slurs and other slights on the overwhelmingly white main campus of the state's four-college system. The complaints came to a head two days ago, when at least 30 black football players announced they would not play until the president left. A graduate student went on a weeklong hunger strike. To read the remainder of the article click here.


As the facts become more clear in the upcoming days and weeks I am sure one thing will remain crystal clear: regardless of the type of institution, pervasive issues that are allowed to continue ALWAYS come back to those in charge at the top.

It surprises me that an academic institution would hire someone with a complete lack of experience in academic matters and expect that person, regardless of past business success, to have a thorough understanding of how fragile and critical the academic climate is to an institution. Make no mistake, this is more the fault of those hiring Mr. Wolfe in the first place as he was clearly inadequate as a Leader in an institution in which character matters just as much or more than money, or at least should. 

By Tom Letson

Tom Letson, MA LPC LCADC provides commentary on the issues of bullying, anger, substance abuse and more. Tom is a NJ Licensed Professional Counselor and Public School Anti-Bullying Specialist. He has spent 30 years working in schools, criminal justice and substance abuse settings. His private practice is located in Marlboro, NJ and he continues his 20+ years as a passionate high school football coach. 

Safe Bully Reporting Method for Students

I developed the anonymous reporting method found on Bullystoppers.com in 2001 due to the lack of existing forms of anonymous reporting available to students who were suffering from the hands of bullies at school. The use of names or initials in reports is not permitted for the following reasons:

1. To help protect the identity of students making reports so the fear of reprisal from bullies is greatly reduced. This addresses the common concern that the bullying becomes worse once it is reported to the school because the bully becomes angry at the victim for causing him trouble. It should be noted that the primary reason bullying ever becomes worse after reporting it to schools is because school staff does not effectively follow up and monitor the situation. Frankly, the bully has to be in fear of a vigilant staff and subsequent severe consequences if the bullying occurs again.

2. To increase Bystander reporting by addressing the pervasive and common belief among school age kids that telling is being a "tattletale" or "rat" and having this label is social taboo which kids will avoid at all costs. 

3. To help prevent false reports in which students attempt to get other students in trouble by putting names on anonymous reports. 

This type of reporting is based on Situational Crime Prevention and works  by identifying "hot spots" for staff to monitor to deter bullying with increase staff presence or to catch unsuspecting bullies in the act. Reports also give staff information to start investigating specific bullying situations. Check out the reporting page on Bullystoppers.com at: http://bullystoppers.com/report_it.html today and please utilize it if your child is being bullied at at school and you desire anonymous reporting. Please note all reports are reviewed personally by me and if names are used on any submitted reports they will be deleted and not posted. Please email me with questions at bullystoppers@yahoo.com.

Bystanders: Responsible to Stop Bullying?

The answer to the title of this Post is: No. Bystanders are not responsible to stop bullying. There seems to be a focus in the field lately that puts pressure on student bystanders to stand up to bullies for the victims and stop the abuse. I have news for anyone who doesn't work in a school: it's not that simple and easier said than done. Although bystanders can certainly be helpful in addressing the bullying they are not responsible for stopping it. They can certainly help, however, in the following ways which are less dangerous for them and more likely to be put into action:

1. Report the incident to school staff or a parent so a report can be made to the school.

2, Take note of other student bystanders witnessing the incident so school staff can interview multiple witnesses to assist in the investigation.

3. Create a distraction during the incident to interrupt the abuse, for example: "Watch out I think a teacher is coming."

4. Attempt to remove the victim from the situation without addressing the bully.

5. Encourage the victim to report the incident to school staff.

6. Following the incident make a point to be friendly to the victim in school possibly include them in social activities if desired and appropriate.

The firm promotion by school staff of a strong anti-bullying policy which includes swift and attention getting consequences for violators is always the best bullying prevention measure at least according to this author, who has been involved in bullying prevention in NJ Public Schools for 18 years.

Staff Invested in Bullying Prevention is the Best Prevention Strategy.

Whether at a training or on Twitter I constantly remind school staff of their duty to protect the emotional well being of their students. It is extremely important to understand that as children grow older, so do their brains and they develop a keen awareness of their surroundings and who is or may be looking. So as kids mature more overt acts of bullying characteristic of younger ages transform to covert acts in an attempt not to get caught. School staff must be aware of this fact and look a little closer. If we start with the premise that no child wants to get in trouble by getting caught, we can train ourselves to take a closer look and intervene in a potential bullying situation before it becomes very damaging to the victim.

If you liked this post please leave a comment and share what you have read here with friends and colleagues. 

Selective Ignoring When Dealing with Mean Kids and Bullies

Reporting bullying behavior is always a catch 22 for the victim. I'll address the importance of reporting and alternative ways of notifying adults in charge in a future post. Today I'll continue with a skill that can be used along with the A.W.A.R.E. Plan if a child wants to attempt to curb the bullying without reporting it to a teacher. 

Before I give information on this topic, please understand it is very important to emphasize to kids and their friends to immediately report severe bullying to a school staff member and parents. Examples of severe bullying are threats of physical violence or being embarrassed/humiliated in public (example: students on the bus start chanting something inappropriate and the victim is humiliated). 

To deter less severe forms of bullying it is very important to be aware of what a bully wants and then not give it to him or her! Bullies want to see their mean words or actions BOTHER YOU. They want to see the scared, shocked or angered look on your face. Students who are not aware of how important body language is in telling others what we are feeling inside are good targets for bullies. So this strategy is about how to ignore a bully's mean words or actions. Yes, there are different ways to ignore these mean words and actions and the common way is to ignore by pretending you do not hear the bully speaking to you. So there are two types of ignoring and here they are: 


"Total" Ignoring vs. "Selective Ignoring" 
Totally ignoring someone is pretending you do not hear him while he is speaking to you. This strategy is common but never works. Why? The bully KNOWS the kid is purposely ignoring him because what he is saying or doing bothers him. So guess what? The bully is going to do it again and again and again – as long as the other child keeps pretending he cannot hear the bully! Try NEVER to totally ignore someone who is bullying or teasing you! (except when a kid is threatening to beat you up – if this is the case ignore his words and get to an adult immediately)

What can you do instead? You use what is called Selective Ignoring. Selective Ignoring is ignoring the bully's hurtful words but NOT ignoring the fact he is talking to you (or pretending you cannot hear him). It is important to always look at someone who is talking to you. It may be uncomfortable because mean things are being said, but make eye contact with the bully so he knows you have heard him. 

While looking at the bully it is important to acknowledge that you heard what was said and that you don't like it. NEVER insult the bully back! Why? Because bullies are good at making insults and they will not let you have the last word by insulting them. The will see this as a challenge and make the insults worse to make sure you will not say anything back.

What can you say to a bully once you make eye contact? Here are some examples that are not insults and remember to stay calm and cool and speak in a normal tone of voice (not upset): 

"Why are you talking to me? - You can stop now." 
"Why are you asking me that? - You can stop now." 
"You can stop saying that." 
"Why would you think that would bother me?" 
"Sorry but you are wasting your time."
"I never thought you could say such mean things."
"Why do you say things like that?"
"That was kind of funny at first but now it's not - please stop." 


It is important NOT to get into a back and forth discussion with a bully and to keep it brief. Use one of the above suggestions or one of your own and after saying it THEN totally ignore the bully if he keeps talking to you. 

This strategy sends the bully a CLEAR message that his words and actions DO NOT bother you (even if they really do but don"t ever let the bully know this!). REMEMBER: no name calling or put-downs because this may challenge the bully and increase the insults. 

This strategy does not guarantee that the bully will stop. We hope that by not giving the bully the reaction he is looking for, he will soon do it less or stop completely because he may start to think "what's the point, this kid doesn't care what I say."

$25 for life - A gift from a "Good Man"

It’s a passion of mine to express to others the mostly unrecognized actions of good men because I believe it’s these actions that truly matter in life and compel us all to keep pressing on.  Good men lead by example. Good men push through the ups and downs of life without giving in or giving up, and resist taking an easier path that may negatively impact their families or tarnish their character. 

My father, Thomas F. Letson, Jr. was as good a man as they come. He died in 2010 at the age of 81 and like most good men, I learned his powerful lessons through constructive example. The following story is one that keeps me pressing forward in my own life and I share it with others whenever the opportunity presents itself. 

Born two weeks before the Stock Market crash in 1929, he came into this world at a time when everything was a struggle, and all a person had as he grew up was his family, his friends and his word.   Looking a man in the eye and offering your word while sealing it with a handshake was considered a tangible form of collateral in his day.   And you know what?  In this day of deteriorating moral conduct, with the daily news packed with the exploits of cheats and thieves, we could use more good men, more men like my father.  Let’s be him for a minute to provide an example. The year is 1968.  My father, a lifelong seaman, took out a sizable loan to purchase an 89' vessel to begin the business of delivering grain to companies such as Frank Purdue on the Chesapeake Bay. What happened to him during this time would put any man to the test. With very little notice, the Coast Guard performed a spot inspection of his vessel and it failed under their criteria which my father challenged. Despite his protests the inspection results were final and the consequences dire: the Coast Guard took ownership of the vessel and removed it from the waterway.  With it they took my father’s livelihood and left him with the desperation of having to provide for his five children with no income while at the same time facing the remaining balance on the loan for the vessel. This amount was over $20,000 in 1968. Think about it. His creditor, caring little of his predicament, expected each month’s payment in its original amount of hundreds of dollars, which my father was unable to pay.

So what’s a man with five children and no job to do in such a dire situation? Run out on his family?  Rob, cheat or steal? What would you do?  Let me tell you this good man from Sea Bright, NJ did.  He went to see his creditors face to face and told them he could only afford to pay them the amount of $25 per month on his outstanding loan. His proposal, initially taken as jest was flatly denied. At this denial, my father stood up, looked his creditors directly in the eyes and said the following:  “Listen to me. I have 5 children to provide for and one of them has special needs requiring special doctors which are very costly.  I cannot afford to pay you what you demand as it will put my children out in the street.  I will pay you $25 each month and I promise to you I will never miss it. You have my word.”   My father’s conviction persuaded the creditor to put his word to the test and they allowed for the reduction.  This good man was true to his word. My father paid that $25 per month, month after month, year after year, decade after decade until that loan was paid in full.  Upon the loan’s discharge, he received a special commendation from the Creditor, thanking him for being one of their most loyal and valued customers by never missing a single loan payment of $25 and for keeping his word. 

This story about my Father has inspired me to figuratively paid my $25 as promised in all areas of my life. Just as my father did I try not to miss a payment and live my life as a good man. It's people like my father that give me hope that the world can always be a better place regardless of how bad it may seem at any given time. If you have a story like this one tell it whenever possible to encourage others to live their lives in a similar fashion to make this world a better place!

Using Comeback Lines

The key to comeback lines is to remain COOL and AVOID the temptation to trade name calling or personal insults with the bully or teaser. A great comeback line is brief and to the point and leaves the bully or teaser feeling that they did not get to you! Don't forget to always look them in the eye and keep cool - anger is a sign to them that what they are doing is working. Try some of the following, however always remember: if another student is threatening physical violence toward you, don't say anything to him or her - do your best to get away from the situation and to where a teacher or other adult is located. Some examples:


"That's ridiculous - whatever."

"What you say really doesn't matter."

"Okay... Okay... Finished?"

"That's kind of funny, but enough already okay?"

"At it again?"

Use the Poker Face!

Most kids don't know how to respond to a bullies words and actions and show the embarrassment and anger on their faces. This is what that bully wants. That's the pay-off. Once you show that reaction the bully feels that power over you and he's more likely to do it again and again to get the same reaction and feel the same power.

How about not giving the bully what he wants? Use the Poker Face. The term "poker face" came about from the card game poker. The term is used to describe how people playing poker are supposed to make a bets - they use a blank expression on their faces when betting (the poker face) so others in the game cannot read the person's face to guess if that person has a good hand or bad hand of cards. If someone has a happy face they most likely have a good hand so the others in the game do not bet a lot of money. If someone has a frustrated face they most likely have a bad hand so the others bet A LOT of money. Are you starting to get it?

The secret to playing poker correctly is the "Poker Face." The secret to dealing with bullying and teasing is the Poker Face! How? Well by keeping an emotionless and expressionless face on while being bullied sends the other kid the message that the bullying "WILL NOT GET TO ME NO MATTER WHAT!" This prevents the bully from thinking you are a good target for bullying. This works but you have to use it consistently.