Bullystoppers.com

Using Comeback Lines

2010-02-07T14:48:00.000-08:00

The key to comeback lines is to remain COOL and AVOID the temptation to trade name calling or personal insults with the bully or teaser. A great comeback line is brief and to the point and leaves the bully or teaser feeling that they did not get to you! Don't forget to always look them in the eye and keep cool - anger is a sign to them that what they are doing is working. Try some of the following, however always remember: if another student is threatening physical violence toward you, don't say anything to him or her - do your best to get away from the situation and to where a teacher or other adult is located. Some examples:

"That's ridiculous - whatever."

"What you say really doesn't matter."

"Okay... Okay... Finished?"

"That's kind of funny, but enough already okay?"

"At it again?"

Use the Poker Face!

2010-02-07T14:29:00.000-08:00

Most kids don't know how to respond to a bullies words and actions and show the embarrassment and anger on their faces. This is what that bully wants. That's the pay-off. Once you show that reaction the bully feels that power over you and he's more likely to do it again and again to get the same reaction and feel the same power.

How about not giving the bully what he wants? Use the Poker Face. The term "poker face" came about from the card game poker. The term is used to describe how people playing poker are supposed to make a bets - they use a blank expression on their faces when betting (the poker face) so others in the game cannot read the person's face to guess if that person has a good hand or bad hand of cards. If someone has a happy face they most likely have a good hand so the others in the game do not bet a lot of money. If someone has a frustrated face they most likely have a bad hand so the others bet A LOT of money. Are you starting to get it?

The secret to playing poker correctly is the "Poker Face." The secret to dealing with bullying and teasing is the Poker Face! How? Well by keeping an emotionless and expressionless face on while being bullied sends the other kid the message that the bullying "WILL NOT GET TO ME NO MATTER WHAT!" This prevents the bully from thinking you are a good target for bullying. This works but you have to use it consistently.

Effectively Ignore Bullying

2010-02-07T14:26:00.000-08:00

Many kids make the mistake of trying to completely ignore someone who is calling them names or making fun of you. Completely ignoring a bully is pretending you do not hear him while he is speaking to you. This strategy is common but never works and many parents unfortunately tell their kids to use this strategy. Why doesn't it work? The bully knows the you are purposely pretending you cannot hear him because what he is saying or doing bothers you. So what happens then? The bully is more likely to do it over and over as long asa you keep pretending you can't hear him. So what do you do?

Use selective ignoring. Respond to the bully's words with a short comeback line that is not an insult. Look him in the eye and say the line ("Who cares") and THEN and only then begin to completely ignore the his words. This sends the bully the message that his words or actions will not bother you(even if they do bother you, you still have to make him think it doesn't). Make sure the comeback is appropriate: no name calling or put-downs because this will challenge the bully and he will more likely continue the harassment. If at anytime a bully is threatening to beat you up do not use this strategy. Completely ingnore his challenge and report the threat to an adult.

Also remember to try your best not to immediately scream "Shut-up!" after a kid bullied you. As stated above this is exactly what the bullies want. So after you have asked a kid several times to stop harassing you and he doesn't stop, it’s time to be more assertive. Being assertive means sticking up for yourself and telling someone to stop doing whatever mean thing they are saying or doing to you. Being assertive DOES NOT mean being aggressive and starting a fight and screaming "shut-up!". Here are some examples of being assertive in these situations:

"I’ve given you enough chances to stop this. Stop now or I'll report it."

"You are not getting it – I said enough already."

"That was kind of funny at first but now it's not - please stop it."

Bully Prevention Plan

2010-02-06T13:16:00.000-08:00

The A.W.A.R.E Plan © Tom Letson 2001

This easily remembered 5 step strategy will help you remember how to deal with bullying if it occurs at school:

A : Avoid bullying situations when possible.

W : Walk & talk confidently at all times.

A : Assert myself and tell others to stop when necessary.

R : Report threats and bullying to school staff.

E : Enjoy school everyday because it's my right!

Ratting vs. Reporting

2010-02-06T12:59:00.000-08:00

A problem in all schools is that most kids are reluctant to tell their teachers about bullying because they don't want to be known as a "rat" or "tattle-tail." They may fear that other kids will begin to tease them because of telling or the kid they told on may become angry and begin to bully them. It is understandable that kids feel this way.

BUT...it is very important to remember that bullying is a very serious problem and in many cases it is a crime. Some kids are in physical danger from being bullied, some may hurt themselves due to the bullying, and still others may become violent and try to hurt the bully or others with their fists or weapons. So there is potential danger in not telling.

It is very important to remember that by telling you do not have to give your name. This is called an anonymous reporting. Bullystoppers.com is an example of anonymous reporting. But you can also make an anonymous report by writing the information down on a piece of paper and leaving it on your teacher's desk or mail slot in the office.

How to decide if you should report bullying:

Report it if a kid is being threatened by a bully.
Report it if a kid is being embarrassed and humiliated in front of other kids.
Report it if rumors are being spread about a kid.
Report it if a kid is being bullied on Facebook, Myspace.com, AIM or by texting.

You also are NOT OBLIGATED TO TELL A BULLY OR ANY OTHER KID YOU REPORTED SOMETHING.As stated above many kids are concerned about reporting bullying because if others find out they "told" they will get bullied even more. Well: It's every student's RIGHT to inform staff of what is going on and it's every student's RIGHT to attend school without being bullied. What can you say to a kid who confronts you by saying "Why did you rat on me you tattle-tail?!" after a counselor or administrator has spoken to him about bullying you? You don't owe the bully or his friends any answers. Here’s several simple and effective responses:

"I have nothing to say to you."

"Stop talking to me."

"You are not worth my time."

Counselors and Administrators should NEVER tell the bully or his or her parents who provided staff with the information. Why? IT IS IRRELEVANT and they are not entitled to it. What is relevant is stopping the bullying.

Don't Be an Easy Target

2010-02-06T12:51:00.000-08:00

Bullies look for opportunities to get a laugh at another kid’s expense. They look for easy "targets." What’s an easy target? A kid who unknowingly puts himself or herself in a position to get bullied and teased by mean kids who do not care about what they do or how other kids feel. Example: A kid leaves his lunch on a table while he goes up to the lunch line to get a drink. When he gets back his lunch is gone and all the kids at the table are laughing. He made himself an easy target! If he had bought his drink BEFORE he put his lunch down on the table he would not have become an easy target. Think about it – ALWAYS be aware of who is around you and what may happen if you leave yourself open. Some bullying experts disagree with teaching children such common sense strategies for self care. These professionals think any focus at all on teaching a victim of bullying such skills is "legitimizing" the bullying and blaming the victim. I disagree. We teach our children how to take certain measures to prevent being victims of crime when they are by themselves in public settings. Just as we tell our children to stay in lighted areas if out after dark for their personal safety, why would we not do the same for a child under our care at school?

Avoid Bullying at School

2010-02-06T08:37:00.000-08:00

Teaching kids how to avoid bullying at school has become a very controversial subject. Many experts feel strongly that teaching kids to avoid bullying at any time is very wrong as it places the solution to the problem on the victim. I would certainly prefer that all children report the bullying for appropriate adult intervention. I also work in a school and understand that many kids will not report bullying and will continue to suffer in slience at the hands of mean children. So does that mean we don't reach out to them in some manner to help? I think it is my professional duty to teach kids all I can to equip them with the tools and information to help improve their day at school.

Bullying at lunch

Move your seat. Ask a friend to move with you. If you are not allowed to change seats, ask an adult if you can change it. If they say no, tell your parents so they can talk to the person in charge to get your seat changed. Sit close to an adult monitoring the lunchroom. Kids who bully can't do it near an adult so sit as close to one as you can. Be the first one to enter the lunchroom and the first one to leave! Don’t waste time in the halls when going to lunch or when getting back to class after lunch. Wasting time only gives kids who bully more opportunity to bother you.

Bullying on the bus

Sit near the front of the bus. Sitting close to the driver will make kids who bully think twice before doing it for fear of getting caught. Don’t stay silent. Unless you feel that another kid will physically attack you if you speak up, remaining completely silent while kids are harassing you will only give them reason to keep doing it. Try one of the following: Directly ask them to stop. Distract them by starting a different conversation that might interest them. Diffuse their attack by giving them some sign their words are harmless to you (“yeah, right!”) or try laughing along with them (even if you don’t think it’s funny). Sit with friends! There are strength in numbers. You are less likely to be singled out if you are sitting with others.

Bullying in the hallway

Always be aware of who is ahead of you. If you see a bully ahead of you, DON’T pass him or her because this gives the person an opportunity to bother you. Take your time and slow down a little so they get farther ahead of you. Always be aware of who is behind you. Don’t allow a bully to stay behind you in the hall. They will most likely follow you until you have reached a part of the school with no teachers around so they can bother you without fear of being caught. If you notice a bully behind you, stop and let them pass. Stop in to say hello to a teacher or go to the office or the nurses station to say hello. Go a different way when possible. If your school has a first and second floor you may have a choice of taking more than one way to class. Choose the safest way because even if the safest one is the longest one, it is worth the longer walk to prevent giving a bully an opportunity to bother you.

Bullying with electronic devices

Don’t respond to the IM, Email, Facebook or Myspace post or text message. Although it is very tempting to tell them off, it is not a good idea. This may actually cause more problems as the bully may take it as a challenge. Also remember that your posts can be used against you if they are harassing or threatening: be careful!
Report harassing IMs or Posts to AIM, Facebook or Myspace. If someone is making fun of you or is threatening you on AIM, block their screenname. Prevent harassers from getting to your Facebook or Myspace page by deleting them as a friend or changing your page settings. Print out any threatening or harassing messages! You can’t prove it is happening if you do not print out the evidence. Show the printed out message to your parents and/or school staff.

Getting bullied by popular kids

Don’t exchange insults with popular kids. This will only make them try harder to make you look bad in front of others. Try ignoring them when they are around other kids or agree with them to get them to stop: “You’re right, I’m a terrible basketball player.” Later when they are not around others, you can approach them to tell them to stop: “Hey, stop making fun of me in front of others, you wouldn’t like it if it was happening to you.” Don’t accept getting teased to fit in with the popular group! Some kids tolerate teasing to be accepted by a popular group of kids. If you are hoping they will stop teasing you as soon as they get to know you, it most likely will not happen. Don’t hesitate to report the bullying or harassment! Many popular kids are very concerned about remaining popular, not only among their classmates but among their teachers. Mention what is happening to a teacher or counselor you trust. An adult talking with a student in this situation may be enough to stop it.

Bullystoppers.com is back!

2010-02-02T18:44:00.000-08:00

Bullystoppers.com is back. The site experienced some technical difficulties and due to time constraints I was not able to put enough time toward getting it back up for months. The site looks a lot different from the intial version and the information is much more condensed. The intital version included an anonymous reporting method in which site visitors were able to post approved reports on the site for school professionals to review. Since 2001 the site received hundreds of reports. I have not decided if this version of Bullystoppers.com will include such a form. The reporting method had it's proponents and it's critics. To read a positive review on About.com from 2005 click here. To read a comment critisizing the reporting method on the intial version of Bullystoppers.com click here. What do you think? Please leave a comment if you have an opinion. Thanks!

How to Use Bullystoppers.com

2007-10-07T04:44:00.000-07:00

Bullystoppers.com is a free bully reporting service for students and schools. The concept was developed over the last eight years and is a result of my dealing directly with children in middle school who are being bullied but do not want to report it to their parents or adults in the school. There are several reasons why students are reluctant to report such problems: feeling inadequate in that they are not able to deal with the problem on their own; being seen by peers as a "rat" or "tattle-tail:; fearing the reporting will get the bully mad and the bullying will get worse; fearing being humiliated by being force to sit down and talk with the bully; fear their parents (especially their father for boys) will see them as weak or inadequate.

The concept of reporting on bullystoppers.com is to provide the school with just enough information to start an investigation. Names are not permitted on the reports to deter kids from making false reports for any reason. Many times in school, believe it or not, staff only needs to know a LOCATION where the bullying is happening and just the mere increase in staff presence in that area may be enough to deter the bullying - and no even will know a report was posted.

Bullystoppers.com does not inform schools that a report has been posted. The individual making the report must inform the school in some manner: leave a voice mail, send an email, leave a note in the staff member's mail slot at school. Or school staff who use Bullystoppers.com reporting at their school can check the site daily for posts.

The reports on Bullystoppers.com cannot be used by angry parents or students attempting to get back at the school for failing to do something they felt should have been done in any given situation. Any report accusing a school of negligence will be not be posted. Bullystoppers.com is meant to make a bridge between students experiencing problems and their school staff for help. It is meant to improve the situation, not make it worse.

Please feel free to email me with any quesitons you may have about Bullystoppers.com. Thanks!

Tom Letson MA LPC LCADC
Bullystoppers.com

The Key to Sustained Recovery

2007-06-03T15:21:00.001-07:00

In counseling clients with alcohol and drug problems, I begin with a very simple challenge as the key to sustained recovery: Will you still be practicing the changes we implement now in a year from now when no one is looking over your shoulder, when it's just you and the mirror. Unfortunately, many fail.

The clients who succeed understand that recovery is not about talking a good game, it's about making changes that are not messed with - EVER. "Yeah, I'm not going to hang out with my drug buddies anymore" is very simple to say and 100 times more difficult to actually do. Those who are driven to succeed have no problem making this change. Those who have not suffered enough negative consequences from their alcohol or drug abuse usually go right back to their old habits as soon as counseling or probation is terminated.

Much of this has to do with failing to accept the reality of their problem, or in other words maintaining their denial over it. An individual is more accepting of the changes that need to be made once he or she has effectively dealt with the reality of their substance abuse problem. For a free online screening to help you or someone you know determine if alcohol or drugs is becoming a problem go to this url: www.drugscreening.org.

The results of such screenings are only the beginning. Don't forget: awareness is great, but awareness does not equal recovery. Awareness plus Action equals recovery. What are some actions? For starters:

Not associating with negative influences.
Refusing to be around your drug of choice at all times.
Becoming aware of your favorite denial and attacking it when it surfaces.
Learning about relapse triggers and avoiding them when possible.
Living a healthier life to reduce drug cravings: having healthy diet and exercising.
Associating with positive influences.
Learning about 12 Step meetings and using them to aid your recovery.
Knowing who to call and what to do if you feel like using or after you do use.

Change is not easy. What is your plan?

Do Not Tolerate Bullying in Summer Camp

2007-05-28T08:37:00.001-07:00

As summer vacation approaches and you arrange for your kids to go to summer camp, please beware! Improperly supervised campers are at a high risk for bullying. For a great synopsis on summer camp bullying, copy and paste following link into your browser for an article by Dr. Joel Haber, PhD.:

http://www.educationupdate.com/archives/2006/Feb/html/camps-raisingawareness.htm

Camp can be fun but lets face it: camp is generally very spread out and kids who are mean have more opportunity than at school to bully. Young campers are usually directly supervised by a Counselor who is a teenager. Teen Counselors may not be very invested in preventing bullying behaviors among their small group of campers and may even consider it as innocent teasing or "kids being kids."

Keep the lines of communication open with your child. Ask questions! Review the day when they get home and specifically ask how they like their counselor. If a problem occurs do not hesitate to contact the camp director. Use the Bullystoppers.com reporting tool to report camp bullying if necessary. Summer vacation should be fun - don't let bullying make it a nightmare for your child.

Should Governor Corzine Resign?

2007-04-21T14:47:00.000-07:00

On April 12, 2007, NJ Governor Jon Corzine's SUV hit a guard rail at 90 plus MPH while in rout to a meeting between fired talk show host Don Imus and the Rutger's Women's Basketball Team. There are a number of problems that occurred as a result of this accident, listed as follows:

1. The Governor's driver was speeding in excess of 25 MPH over the speed limit, creating a dangerous situation not only for the occupants of the SUV, but other drivers on the road as well. The Governor was not in rout to address a state emergency or a crisis. He was trying to avoid being late for the start of a meeting in which he was not a participant in and that could have started without him.

2. The Governor was not wearing his seat belt. This resulted in very critical injuries including a multiple and compound fracture of his leg and breast bone and multiple rib fractures. The medical staff who treated his injuries stated he was lucky to be alive.

3. A law enforcment offical was quoted as saying Governor Corzine has refused to wear his seat belt in the past despite the attempts of his drivers to get him to do so. For the record his drivers are NJ State Troopers. Tom Shea, the Governor's own Cheif of Staff was quoted by several news sources as saying "Those of you who know Governor Corzine know he's not always amenable to suggestion."

Not always amenable to the suggestion? Certainly the seat belt law is controverial. Certainly many people take the position that the state may be going a bit too far with the seat belt law. Certainly, the Governor should resign. That's right, resign. As a counselor working with young people, I am very concerned about the Governor's hypocrisy and its ripple effect on New Jersey teens. If the Governor can make public his intentions not to adhere to this state law, why should any young New Jersey teen feel compeled to do different? Teens know that he was not citizen Corzine at the time of the offense. He was on the clock as Governor, in route to the meeting mentioned above.

It is hard enough for professionals and parents to help teens overcome the many irresponsible impulses characteristic of this developmental period. Why should a hypocritcal Governor make their job any tougher? He shouldn't. In this counselor's opinion, when the executive head of a state publically declares he does not follow a law, any law, that person should not hold office. It's a matter of principle. If this is not addressed in an effective manner, will future NJ governors be more likely to ignore laws they don't personally like as citizens?

Bullying Can Get You Fired - Ask Imus

2007-04-15T06:35:00.000-07:00

The firing of Don Imus for his racist comment directed toward the Rutger's Women's Basketball Team has a lot to do about bullying. In the days following the national media attenion his comment created, Imus responded to a caller with the following statement (paraphrased) "It was stupid and insensitive and I don't know why I said it."

Of course everyone knew why he said it, right? Because he is a racist, pure and simple. That makes sense, doesn't it? Well, I for one don't know that to be a fact. In my opinion, what is really in a person's heart is only something that person knows as fact. What I can tell you is this:

Don Imus is a bully, pure and simple and his bullying is what got him fired, whether or not he is a racist.

Why? Because bullying is all about power, the power you have over others and how you choose to use that power. Don Imus gained a power advantage with his celebrity and he subsequently used his radio show as a forum to bully others. When someone becomes aware that he or she has a power advantage over others, that person, just like Imus, faces an important decision:

Do I use this imbalance of power to help or hurt others?

Imus did both, but just because you choose to help others sometimes does not make it right to use your power to bully others at any times. Imus became an empowered bully, which is the most dangerous type. He was empowered by his employers, who instead of imposing a graduated discipline procedure when his bullying first reared its ugly head, they turned their own heads because this big bully was making them big money. If a principal turns his head when a school board member's kid is a bully, that kid will become an empowered bully and walk the halls and torture kids like he owned the school. The airways turned out to be Imus' halls. So The Imus in the Morning show was permitted to develop a climate in which bullying, especially biased based bullying, was accepted.

It was while operating on automatic pilot during his show, a show whose climate accepted bullying others based on race, religion, gender, and more, which ultimately sealed Imus' fate. When he told that caller he did not know why he said it, I tend to believe him. He said it on he air because his show's climate cultivated such commets. He said it because he could. Like so many bullies in our schools today, Imus made those hurtful comments simply because he could - or at least up to that moment he could.

So this is the lesson for Imus and bullies like him: you can't have your cake and eat it, too. You can't bully others and then try to wiggle out of consequences by telling others the good things you have done. That's like a school bully who has been suspended for intimdating kids to get their lunch money, and then tries to get a lesser sentance with this plea to the principal: "But I gave half of what I took to a kid who doesn't have any money to buy lunch, sir, so you see I really am a good person."

This is an important lesson for our kids: Bullies are not nice people. Bullies can do nice things, which is great, but nice people do not bully, period. Contrary to Don Imus' contention on his radio show, he is not a good person, at least in this counselor's opinion. He is a bully who also did some real good things. But that's not enough to evade the consequences of using your power to hurt others, whether by actions or words. Hopefully, Imus will see this consequence for what it is: a lesson on character that was long overdue. Maybe then he can start over and use his celebrity power to just help others, not hurt.