About Me

I'm presently the Student Assistance Coordinator at Middletown High School South in Middletown, NJ. I have worked in public schools in this capacity for the last 20 years. I am also a NJ Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC LCADC) with a private therapy practice in Morganville specializing in the treatment of substance abuse and anger management problems. My style is direct and motivational and is a result of my combined experiences as a therapist and high school football coach. I published the self-help book 4 Downs to Anger Control in 1999 which uses football as a metaphor to facilitate the teaching and retention of anger management skills to specialized populations. 4 Downs to Anger Control was the text selected by the Florida International University Football Team to use following the nationally televised fight with the University of Miami in 2006 as an educational tool. The book has also been purchased by NFL teams for player development programs and by the NJ Department of Corrections for inmate life skills education. My career focus has also been in the area of bullying prevention and intervention, and my website Bullystoppers.com has been operational since 2001. This site offers schools, students and parents a free reporting tool and plenty of advice and specialized skills for students. My football coaching experience has amassed 21 seasons as a Defensive Coordinator. My teams have been to 6 State Championship Games and we were fortunate to win 3 State Titles.

Drive on Your Problems in Life

Changing how you mentally approach an issue may be all you need to get started on a solution. In my therapy practice I often rely on my football coaching experience to motivate men who eat, drink and sleep the game. If you see life through a football face mask, then start living it that way and watch how things begin to fall into place! 

Not Sure if You Have a Problem? Your Life Hierarchy of Substance Use May Help

Sometimes actually looking at how your life is prioritized on a piece of paper or a white board can help you understand the severity of your substance use. For example, let's look at a general life hierarchy of an individual how does not have an issue with substances:

1. Family
2. Job
3. Friends
4. Health
6. Hobbies
7. Alcohol/Drug Use

The theory is that generally this list is set and it is rare that something lower on the list will trump something higher on the list. For example, this individual will generally not allow alcohol/drug use to interfere with family, job, friends, etc. The individual abusing substances, however, will find that alcohol/drug use begins to move up the list as it progresses and becomes more important in the individual's life.  For example, the following is the Life Hierarchy of an individual suffering from a severe addiction:

1. Job
2. Alcohol/Drug Use
3. Family
4. Friends

Individuals suffering from addiction typically have their job and addiction switch back and forth from first and second position on the list depending on how bad their addiction becomes at any given time in their life. The visual of the list helps individuals denying the severity of their addiction come to understand that their use comes before their family at all costs. This is a very emotional conclusion and ideally this exercise should be discussed in a therapeutic setting with a therapist trained in addiction and the associated fragile emotions that accompany it. It is vitally important to understand that the list does not lie. An honest evaluation of your life's hierarchy can be vital in raising your bottom and getting on the road to recovery before suffering further consequences due to your use. THINK about it.

The Wake Up Test

So you think you are serious about achieving your goal. You say you want it more than anything. Really? Well can you pass the wake up test? If your goal is not the first thing on your mind upon waking from sleep each morning then something is not right. Are you really serious? Can you be doing more? Think about it! 

Targeting Your Addict Voice

I teach all of my clients dealing with addiction how to separate their addict voice from their voice of reason. The addict voice comes from the part of the brain that controls the automatic functions of the body: breathing, hungar, sex drive. The pursuit of pleasure is automatic and requires harnessing by the voice of reason which comes from the part of the brain that does the intellectual thinking and reasoning. This is nicely explained in The Small Book by Jack Trimpey. Once trained to recognize the addict voice in pursuit of pleasure at all costs, it's more likely to be defeated by the intellect. Try it! Attack that voice that is trying to convince you to keep using even though your life sucks because of your addiction. Hammer that voice into submission. The choice is yours! 

What is Selective Ignoring When Dealing with a Bully?

Reporting bullying behavior is always a catch 22 for the victim. I'll address the importance of reporting and alternative ways of notifying adults in charge in a future post. Today I'll continue with a skill that can be used along with the A.W.A.R.E. Plan if a child wants to attempt to curb the bullying without reporting it to a teacher. 

Before I give information on this topic, please understand it is very important to emphasize to kids and their friends to immediately report severe bullying to a school staff member and parents. Examples of severe bullying are threats of physical violence or being embarrassed/humiliated in public (example: students on the bus start chanting something inappropriate and the victim is humiliated). 

To deter less severe forms of bullying it is very important to be aware of what a bully wants and then not give it to him or her! Bullies want to see their mean words or actions BOTHER YOU. They want to see the scared, shocked or angered look on your face. Students who are not aware of how important body language is in telling others what we are feeling inside are good targets for bullies. So this strategy is about how to ignore a bully's mean words or actions. Yes, there are different ways to ignore these mean words and actions and the common way is to ignore by pretending you do not hear the bully speaking to you. So there are two types of ignoring and here they are: 


"Total" Ignoring vs. "Selective Ignoring" 
Totally ignoring someone is pretending you do not hear him while he is speaking to you. This strategy is common but never works. Why? The bully KNOWS the kid is purposely ignoring him because what he is saying or doing bothers him. So guess what? The bully is going to do it again and again and again – as long as the other child keeps pretending he cannot hear the bully! Try NEVER to totally ignore someone who is bullying or teasing you! (except when a kid is threatening to beat you up – if this is the case ignore his words and get to an adult immediately)

What can you do instead? You use what is called Selective Ignoring. Selective Ignoring is ignoring the bully's hurtful words but NOT ignoring the fact he is talking to you (or pretending you cannot hear him). It is important to always look at someone who is talking to you. It may be uncomfortable because mean things are being said, but make eye contact with the bully so he knows you have heard him. 

While looking at the bully it is important to acknowledge that you heard what was said and that you don't like it. NEVER insult the bully back! Why? Because bullies are good at making insults and they will not let you have the last word by insulting them. The will see this as a challenge and make the insults worse to make sure you will not say anything back.

What can you say to a bully once you make eye contact? Here are some examples that are not insults and remember to stay calm and cool and speak in a normal tone of voice (not upset): 

"Why are you talking to me? - You can stop now." 
"Why are you asking me that? - You can stop now." 
"You can stop saying that." 
"Why would you think that would bother me?" 
"Sorry but you are wasting your time."
"I never thought you could say such mean things."
"Why do you say things like that?"
"That was kind of funny at first but now it's not - please stop." 


It is important NOT to get into a back and forth discussion with a bully and to keep it brief. Use one of the above suggestions or one of your own and after saying it THEN totally ignore the bully if he keeps talking to you. 

This strategy sends the bully a CLEAR message that his words and actions DO NOT bother you (even if they really do but don"t ever let the bully know this!). REMEMBER: no name calling or put-downs because this may challenge the bully and increase the insults. 

This strategy does not guarantee that the bully will stop. We hope that by not giving the bully the reaction he is looking for, he will soon do it less or stop completely because he may start to think "what's the point, this kid doesn't care what I say."